As the great philosopher and orator Marshall Mathers once said, ‘Opportunity comes once in a lifetime’. The applications for that quote may vary, though generally speaking, if you find yourself at the precipice of some unknown cause or mysterious route you want to take, dangerous or not, you should leap. That way, whatever happens (long jail sentence, irreparable harm to your body), you know the reasons for it were too good to pass up. Case in point, Unicorn Makeout Mania (80 MSP).

Click to be permanently scarred.

How does one, being of sound mind, who finds themselves in the field of amateur videogame journalism, not take a chance on something like this? The title absolutely breeds curiosity and / or a few worrisome thoughts. Unicorn-on-unicorn action? Some innocent fun for the Brony and Pegasister crowd to get behind?

Eh, not so much. There’s the adorably-drawn cartoon unicorns, sure enough, starring in a mock fighting game… kissing and slapping each other with their tongues. ‘Kissing each other… to death!’, as the description notes. Ah, well that’s an unexpected turn of events. In other words, softcore pony pornography. Okay. So maybe it’s not the My Little Pony demographic being targeted here (names like ‘Lusty’ and ‘Horny’ are probably dead giveaways, too).

Fighting is handled in the standard setup, with quick / powerful move tradeoffs, best of three rounds wins. It has a Mortal Kombat-style fatality where multi-colored butterflies spew forth out of the severed combatant (That is too cute!). I even admit the game has slightly (very slightly) more depth to it than I expected, with block and stun moves and some semblance of strategy. Don’t take that as any kind of endorsement, though. There’s no clever hook or ingenuity to follow. The repetitiveness of the ‘fights’ dulls before your eight minutes are up, and you’re not missing anything after that trial period ends beyond a steady repeat of the same four fighters.

Viewing this screenshot in some countries will get you arrested.

Humor and sheer ridiculousness aside, there’s no good reason to play Unicorn Makeout Mania. As if you could have expected anything else. It’s a novelty, a (forgive me…) one-trick pony, a joke without a punchline. Another quote, if you will, this one paraphrasing Frost: Two roads diverged in an XBLIG wood, and I— I took the one paved in lustful unicorns, and it didn’t make any difference.