Tag Archives: Uncraft Me!

REVIEW: Uncraft’Em All

A wise (and probably horny) man once said, ‘If it ain’t broke, why cover those girls up?’1 A sage observation and excellent advice, to be sure, and one that Uncraft’Em All ($1.00) is still keen on following (it works just fine for the internet). This game doesn’t bring much of anything new to the Uncraft Me series, but something tells me its target audience isn’t too particular regarding new content or extensive gameplay innovations, so long as the girls are included.

Uncraft'Em All - Screen

Ugh, don’t remind me of that game.

Not that the series needs any drastic changes to be successful. Its brand of punisher-platforming, which sees a small, square lad (and a jetpack with limited fuel) jumping and flying through dozens of lava-lined hallways and other hazards, functions well enough. Of course, it’s intentions are to kill you hundreds of times over and tease you with the promise of girls and above-average breast sizes, but the controls and the design are generally well-done.

Uncraft’Em All is no exception to the rule. It contains an impressive-sounding 24 stages, all of which will need to be carefully navigated by you in order to ‘rescue’ a fair maiden held captive at the end of the run. They’re split between four difficulty settings that range from easy to OMG F-UUUUU! hard, and you can tackle them in any order that you choose. However, all of these levels are shorter than the ones featured in previous games (no checkpoints needed), and the girls (the true focal point and your reason for being here, natch) are a ‘sloppy seconds’ of sorts, having all appeared in previous games from developer Team Shuriken’s skintastic oeuvre.

Uncraft'Em All - Screen2

You hear that? That’s the audible, disappointed sigh of a thousand young men who were hoping for an all-new set of women to ‘uncraft’. Life is full of disappointments. Still, while the ladies may have not changed, the levels themselves do provide the requisite amounts of challenge and frustration2 (the profanity-laden vocal track that accompanies each of your failures is still as applicable as ever) the punisher genre is known for.

That said, Uncraft’Em All is like any other Uncraft Me! game you’ve played before, just more of it. That’s not a bad thing, especially if you enjoyed the first two titles, but that also means it’s a retread. And with a new game, Uncraft World, coming to Steam in 2015, this one feels more like a masturbatory… ahem, celebratory— victory lap around XBLIG, thanking its feverish fans for their support, an appetizer to a main dish that will be served elsewhere.

  1. Damn, that’s a terrible joke. Sounds a lot like my previous Uncraft Me! motto, too: ‘If the breasts ain’t broke, don’t fix them!’ I really need to come up with new material. 
  2. To Hell with those timed laser traps, I say. To Hell! 

REVIEW: Uncraft Me 2

Tits on the box. Whatever else you want to add, fine, but, tits prominently displayed on the box.’ This has to be Team Shuriken’s only suggestion at the meeting when coming up with the box art for its games. Not that I’ve got a better route. It’s lewd shrewd business sense. If the breasts ain’t broke, don’t fix them. I’m taking liberties with a popular expression, yes, but it’s certainly the developer’s mantra. Uncraft Me 2 ($2.99) picks up right where the original left off

Uncraft Me - Screen

…somewhere between art and hentai, between a ridiculous premise but competent level design, continuing in ‘crafting’ its own successful brand of striptease platforming. The girls are Space Idols this time, leaving behind the princesses and kittens (!) that were patched into the first game (…you know, a lesser man would make a bad joke like ‘Now that’s a good-looking pussy right there!’. Glad I’m above such humor).

The game itself (or the ‘bonus content’ that comes with the girls, to some) is a solid platformer that continues to improve and evolve. Minus the copious skin, it’s good enough to stand on its own, and your jetpacking avatar is more than competent at navigating the timing-based perils. Each stage once again splits its hazards evenly, with manageable chickpoints (checkpoints) placed to soften the more difficult runs. New obstacles, like shooting air vents and areas of unlimited rocket fuel, give some new wrinkles to the gameplay, along with returning death-bringers like hot lava and timed laser traps, those consistent bastards.

Saving you from lacing the air with a string of increasingly-obscure and homemade profanity (a typical play session)Uncraft Me 2 has generously provided the swearing for you, sprinkling in a ‘Fuck!’ or some other colorful turn of phrase whenever you die. And you will die, as the sequel carries on the tradition of ending your life repeatedly as you jetpack, swerve, and claw your way to the top of each stage in search of that elusive, softcore bondage, almost-but-not-quite-nude Space Idol.

Uncraft Me - Screen2

One of the few screenshots without any skin— Wait, nevermind, crotch in the background.

In fact, besides the famously-hard (..heh heh) difficulty coming back with a vengeance in the later levels (the last two, in particular, will frustrate you needlessly), the only other thing that would really give me pause in recommending Uncraft Me 2 to any lonely, horny soul with a controller would be the higher cost of the sequel. At three dollars, and with the once again boob-centric hook, it’s far too light on legit content for anyone to pay that much for sex.

REVIEW: Uncraft Me!

The world is full of surprises. Take Team Shuriken, for example. Normally the purveyors of the multiple choice, Guess-Your-Own-Adventure genre, mixed with nearly-naked, impossibly-endowed women, they’ve now turned over a new leaf! Not that new a leaf, mind you, as the business of boobs is still roaring right along, but this time, with Uncraft Me! (80 MSP), the developer has wedged an actual game between all the generous cleavage.

Uncraft Me! - Screen

See, subtle.

Of course, that disguise comes booby-trapped (oh the puns!) in one of the most maddening punishformers I’ve come across, but hey, any progress is progress. At first sight, past the skippable tale of imprisoned princesses and an evil cube that wants to make everything square, it seems to be an average platformer, albeit one done in the style of Minecraft. You’ll jump and jetpack around the level (it recharges once you land), following a predetermined route through your standard set of obstacles and hazards. It’s low impact, the controls are simple, and it’s entirely adequate.

That humdrum changes with the first checkpoint, when a rocket blasts away part of the background, revealing a ‘portion’ of the aforementioned princess, locked away in her cubed prison. Surprise, surprise, she’s not overdressed for the occasion. This is how you know you’re playing Team Shuriken. The concept here reminds me of the clubhouse victory scenes in the movie ‘Major League’, where a piece of clothing was taken off for each win the team put up. Carrot on a stick, except the carrot is replaced by… you know, all the ladies.

Reaching subsequent checkpoints will continue to undress break out that level’s princess, until eventually you’ve scaled the stage and get to fully admire your handiwork. And so it goes, until you reach the fourth or fifth ‘lady-stage’, where it becomes more of a punishformer, sticking its chest out braggadocios-ly, totally keen on making you sweat the gaps between each skin-tastic checkpoint. The lava becomes more prevalent, the lasers a little faster, death more constant, and the leeway, less.

Uncraft Me! - Screen2

Uncraft Me! forgets what it is, and insists on being taken serious, stressing the perfect timing and nimble maneuvering you’d find in a Super Meat Boy and the like. In a more serious game, I’d be happy to comply, or at least make a spirited attempt. Here, not so much.

Despite the new style and move towards actual gameplay, Team Shuriken’s latest is more miss than hit, a distraction for a distraction that’ll frustrate the most patient of playboys. I can absolutely say that I haven’t had to work this hard to uncover a pair of boobs since… well, ever. Uncraft Me! is a commendable attempt at a developer trying something new, just one that’s not worth the aggravation.


Review on Indie Gamer Chick