Tag Archives: the business of boobs

REVIEW: Don’t Be Late For Your Date

I can count on one hand the amount of times that bringing a pizza and a movie over to a house has resulted in finding a nearly-famished (and nearly-naked) girl who is extremely appreciative and flashing a devilish grin. That amount is zero, sadly, though I think that’s less an indictment of myself and more a case of Don’t Be Late For Your Date’s ($1.00) premise not quite matching up to reality.

You mean to tell me that picking up a ‘$5 Hot N’ Ready’ (…and I’m talking about pizza here, just to be clear) is all that separates me from the screenshot below? Well, yes. DBLFYD insists that going on multiple food runs for your lady is a surefire way to land yourself a permanent girlfriend. Which is… somewhat true, I suppose, if you think about it in a roundabout way. A girl’s gotta eat. Or maybe there’s some kind of food / feederism / sexual gratification thing going on, but that’s getting into more than this review is built for.

Ahem. DBLFYD is a series of timed driving missions, 20 in all, that task you with paying for and picking up two different items for your… rendezvous, yeah, that’s what we’ll call it. It’s the very loosest sense of driving, as well, with only the ability to control your speed and choose from three different lanes of traffic. Hardly Gran Turismo. Along the way, you’ll need to swipe wayward currency off the road as a means to an end, and avoid (or shoot, as you have no moral qualms with murder) other traffic and the occasional police speedtrap.

Some minimal strategy is required, granted, as ammunition is initially limited, and you’ll need to trade off your speed to gather more coins while still observing the time deadline in each run. The speedtraps are a neat idea, too, until you realize the penalty is a brief influx of police vehicles and a non-factor once you’ve scooped up enough reserve ammo. Subsequent stages will increase the amount of money you need to acquire in order to satisfy your girl’s increasingly-bizarre demands, including the pairing together of sushi and ice cream. Which is just… I mean, exactly how eclectic are this woman’s taste buds?

Don't Be Late For Your Date - Screen

Admit it, you didn’t come here for the ‘gameplay’ anyway.

Regardless, completing the levels in Don’t Be Late For Your Date is an extended exercise in tedium, with no real reason to bother with it at all, beyond an anti-climatic unveiling of the girl in lingerie once you’ve filled your ‘girlfriend-ometer’. As tantalizing as that sounds (insert sarcasm), you’re better off avoiding the whole enterprise and keeping the aforementioned ‘$5 Hot N’ Ready’ for yourself.

REVIEW: Sexy Island Adventure

Somewhere in the middle of Sexy Island Adventure (80 MSP), probably after I’d upgraded my weapon / pick axe for the umpteenth time, and mashed the thousandth innocent bush or flower in my path, I came to the realization that boob games on XBLIG have now reached the point of total perversion (no pun intended). No longer just the domain of your basic puzzler or text-based affair, itself just a ruse to rub anime breasts in your face, it’s begun invading other genres. Uncraft Me! took on platforming. For Sexy Island Adventure, it’s the RPG / Adventure mold that undergoes a chesty re-imagining.

Sexy Island Adventure - Screen

Most men’s dreams go a little something like this.

And rather than using the typical construct for conflict / motivation in games, say, the vanquishing of some great evil, saving a kingdom in distress, serving a benevolent empire, or following some noble, enlightened course or journey, Sexy Island Adventure tries to pull you into its world with a ‘different’ kind of sympathy— ahem…, well, motivating your penis into action. It does so with the promise of photographing ten women scattered about the land.

Said land is wild and untamed, shrouded in mystery until you walk it and effectively ‘discover’ the terrain. Deserts, forests, water, lava; it’s all here, impeding your mission to various degrees. There’s plenty of loose money to be found, too, which will be used RPG-like to upgrade both you (increased walking speed, energy, walk on water?) and your glorified shovel / rake / axe, in order to destroy increasingly pesky barriers preventing you from achieving your ultimate goal— stumbling upon young women who have conveniently left most of their clothes as home.

Sexy Island Adventure - Screen2

Of course, it’s hard to tell there’s an underlying game here at all, as the screenshots for the game focus on the girls, which is, admittedly, the most effective, time-tested marketing angle. Indeed, there is no combat, no natural disaster or internal strife, to be found in Sexy Island Adventure. The title will not let you down. Still, the idea of breaking down the environment dull swing after dull swing after dull swing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and the ‘thrill’ of the hunt (finding the girls) gives only a subdued sense of achievement at best.

As expected, I cannot recommend Sexy Island Adventure. Hacking a thousand trees to bits to gather coins loses whatever luster it has once the reality of hacking down a thousand trees settles in. Put that mode on soundtrack-less repeat, and you can guess the result. The game functions as it should, a RPG / Camera Adventure hybrid perversion, though it’s not some great quest or wrong that needs righting that will spur you onward, no addictive arcade quality to cement repeat playing. It’s just boobs. Boobs, boobs, boobs, all the way through.

REVIEW: Uncraft Me!

The world is full of surprises. Take Team Shuriken, for example. Normally the purveyors of the multiple choice, Guess-Your-Own-Adventure genre, mixed with nearly-naked, impossibly-endowed women, they’ve now turned over a new leaf! Not that new a leaf, mind you, as the business of boobs is still roaring right along, but this time, with Uncraft Me! (80 MSP), the developer has wedged an actual game between all the generous cleavage.

Uncraft Me! - Screen

See, subtle.

Of course, that disguise comes booby-trapped (oh the puns!) in one of the most maddening punishformers I’ve come across, but hey, any progress is progress. At first sight, past the skippable tale of imprisoned princesses and an evil cube that wants to make everything square, it seems to be an average platformer, albeit one done in the style of Minecraft. You’ll jump and jetpack around the level (it recharges once you land), following a predetermined route through your standard set of obstacles and hazards. It’s low impact, the controls are simple, and it’s entirely adequate.

That humdrum changes with the first checkpoint, when a rocket blasts away part of the background, revealing a ‘portion’ of the aforementioned princess, locked away in her cubed prison. Surprise, surprise, she’s not overdressed for the occasion. This is how you know you’re playing Team Shuriken. The concept here reminds me of the clubhouse victory scenes in the movie ‘Major League’, where a piece of clothing was taken off for each win the team put up. Carrot on a stick, except the carrot is replaced by… you know, all the ladies.

Reaching subsequent checkpoints will continue to undress break out that level’s princess, until eventually you’ve scaled the stage and get to fully admire your handiwork. And so it goes, until you reach the fourth or fifth ‘lady-stage’, where it becomes more of a punishformer, sticking its chest out braggadocios-ly, totally keen on making you sweat the gaps between each skin-tastic checkpoint. The lava becomes more prevalent, the lasers a little faster, death more constant, and the leeway, less.

Uncraft Me! - Screen2

Uncraft Me! forgets what it is, and insists on being taken serious, stressing the perfect timing and nimble maneuvering you’d find in a Super Meat Boy and the like. In a more serious game, I’d be happy to comply, or at least make a spirited attempt. Here, not so much.

Despite the new style and move towards actual gameplay, Team Shuriken’s latest is more miss than hit, a distraction for a distraction that’ll frustrate the most patient of playboys. I can absolutely say that I haven’t had to work this hard to uncover a pair of boobs since… well, ever. Uncraft Me! is a commendable attempt at a developer trying something new, just one that’s not worth the aggravation.

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Review on Indie Gamer Chick

REVIEW: Make It Rain

Well, the good news is, I’m a discriminating connoisseur of slang; despite the lack of any descriptive images or blatant T&A popping out at me, Make It Rain (80 MSP) is exactly what I thought it was by title alone. The bad news is, the good news is the bad news.

The description asks if I ever wanted to be like my favorite music artist or sports hero, and, specifically, go to the club and ‘make it rain’? Wait, isn’t it a little presumptuous (and more than a little condescending) to say that all athletes and musicians frequent strip clubs? Some learn to play the piano, or start a charity foundation. But I digress! Do I like to ‘make it rain on ’em’? Ladies, you better pack an umbrella. It’s like developer 24kt_Studios read my perverted, grade school mind and dropped me off at the corner of Yes! and Hell yes! It’s too bad I’m being completely sarcastic, as Make It Rain panders to the lowest common denominator of gaming: stiffly-animated women dancing on a digital pole, for you to throw digital money at. Thanks, Fat Joe!

Make It Rain - Screen

Grant and Franklin, they know the drill.

There’s an old, old world saying that I’m going to paraphrase, that goes something along the lines of ‘never anger or get on the bad side of women that take their clothes off for a living’. I’m sure that saying didn’t have the foresight to see something like Make it Rain, so it doesn’t apply to videogames and I should be safe from their ire. The game is utterly ridiculous / terrible (ridicurrible), a series of button presses to match the on-screen currency, for a minute. Wow. I never thought I’d play a game that makes the Team Shuriken catalog look like high art that should be hanging in the Louvre. Odder still, while the theme of the game is heavily ‘visual’, you’ll spend most of your time watching the money / button combinations instead of the women. Probably just as well.

Choice amounts to which girl (of a possible four) you have dance, and is nothing more than a color palette swap and an individual biography, as if character development and background was really important to get right here. The ‘dance’ itself is the same few looped frames of animation regardless of choice, punctuated by cat calls and brief, weird, sexualized moans only slightly less creepy than the whole of The Houchi Play, which at least was entertaining. There’s nothing sexual about it here, however, making it just weird. Certainly not something you want to advertise with whatever sound system you have, as it’ll draw some questionable glances from anyone you live with.

Make It Rain - Screen2

Everything starts with a good backstory.

Call it a case of ‘I should know better’ (and really, we all should know better), but there’s absolutely zero to like about Make It Rain. It’s insulting to both sexes, stretches the definition of ‘videogame’, and I feel dirty and infinitely more stupid after playing it. There’s a dollar and ten minutes of my life I won’t ever get back. Make It Rain? No, I Make It Delete, straight off of my Xbox. Take us out, Joe.

REVIEW: Dead Sea II: Mutation

The original Dead Sea is notable for two reasons. The first is one of the creepiest-looking men in videogame history (thankfully devoured by sharks in the opening cutscene), and two, it features a woman in a bikini named Shelly, doggie-paddling her way to safety in those same shark-infested waters. An interesting concept, but it was a terrible, QTE-style game otherwise. Brave Men Games should have cut its losses and let sleeping sharks lie. It didn’t. Thus, Dead Sea II: Mutation (80 MSP).

The sequel takes the idea in a completely different direction, plucking Shelly (and her bikini) out of the water and dropping her into a quasi-Resident Evil (lots of dead bodies, stiff controls, diary / journal entries just left laying around) ‘Secret Lab’ somewhere in the middle of the sea. It seems the men in the facility have mutated into sharkmen… wearing pants, the result of an experiment to create supersoldiers gone awry. Now they stalk the halls with a taste for blood, yada yada, and once they’ve grabbed you, your head is lunch.

Dead Sea II - Screen

Shark says ‘Nom nom nom’.

You can counter this, somewhat. The QTEs from the original game return, conflated with a baffling stealth mechanic. While you find a knife early on, there isn’t any actual combat in the game. Instead, you’ll need to watch the patrol routes of the sharkmen in each room, then sneak up behind them and stab. Moving too early or botching the approach results in them chasing you before entering into a QTE to temporarily stun them and escape. Theoretically.

The problem begins with the entire idea of moving stealthily. In the crouched position you’re required to use, you’re naturally slowed. The sharks, however, continue to walk at normal speed, pausing only briefly in their routes before moving to the next point, making it virtually impossible for you to match their movements and pounce without alerting them. The QTE stun moves are a pain as well, leaving you only a split-second to press the right button (it alternates with each attack). Couple this with a stuttering framerate and a bad camera around corners, and you’ve got a recipe for unnecessary frustration. Probably not what you want to base the whole of your gameplay on.

More times than not, though, you can simply wait for an opening and run past (yes, it’s neither pretty nor sporting). This would seem to be the best policy until you reach a quandary about six or seven rooms in, where you’ll encounter a locked door, only to be told your salvation (read: keycard) is laying on a body… back in the cafeteria. Which is the same cafeteria you’ll remember from the beginning.

Dead Sea II - Screen2

Horror Rule #17: Never waste a grotesque human experiment behind a glass wall.

The intention seems to be a very large middle finger to the audience and a completely dirty trick to extend the length of the game. Oh, so you really expect me to be a trouper and trek all the way back through that shark gauntlet to retrieve a keycard I should have been able to pick up from the start? …Fine, I’m miserable enough already. There and back again, initiate a self-destruct sequence while being chased, dodge more sharkmen, and you’re done, one of the worst hours you’re likely to spend as a gamer. Nary a redemptive quality to be found.

Any pair of rose-tinted glasses, any angle you choose to view it from, Dead Sea II: Mutation is a travesty in digital form. A trap waiting to be sprung, a bad idea that should have never gestated into reality. Unfortunate as that is, and all its issues aside, let it serve as a reminder to other developers, a template on how not to make videogames.

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Review on Indie Gamer Chick