Tag Archives: Stegersaurus Games

REVIEW: Mount Your Friends

It’s hard to put an appendage on what’s likely to offend the most in Stegersaurus Games’ Mount Your Friends (80 MSP). The title is a decent candidate to start with, clearly going for yuks based on the literal interpretation (you really are climbing your friends throughout the game) and the implied, immature angle; this is coming from the developer of the infamous (and best-selling, nonetheless) Baby Maker Extreme series.

It could be fact that the entire game is based around nearly-naked men throwing themselves on top of each other in various, impossible contortions, grunting while they stretch for that extra inch of height, a human pyramid scheme built on the basest form of humor. It tries to classify (minus the class) this under ‘sport’, but you can imagine how serious that’s likely to be taken.

The front-runner for me, though, has to be all the never-ending swinging dicks in multi-colored thongs on display. Like, everywhere, all the time. Even when they’re standing perfectly still. There’s no reason or practical application for the generous helping of cock, so it’s yet another facet to the game that’s constructed for laughs and doesn’t garner any (if you’re over the age of twelve).

Which leads to the gameplay, the least offensive component, thankfully, but incredibly basic. Using the four face buttons of the controller to manipulate the arms and legs of each… participant / athlete, you’ll crawl and fling your way up the pile like human spider monkeys, all on the back of the most unfortunate goat in goat history. And no, I’m not embellishing or making any of this up.

While the focus across the entire game is on gaining the most amount of height in the least amount of time, the mechanics of doing so do not change from one mode to the next. From challenges to tournaments to online matches (?), you’re only ever doing the same thing over and over again, occasionally under the constraints of time or your own ability to stack nude men in the most efficient way possible. The novelty of such an idea, if that idea could be considered a novelty, wears off pretty quick.

Mount Your Friends - Screen

Yes, it’s raining men.

The entire ‘package’ (haha, snicker, snicker) is ridiculously over-the-top and so devoid of entertainment that even when you know the developer is trying hard to be amusing or edgy, you can’t manage a sympathy chuckle. Some games are unintentionally bad, others, intentionally. It’s a rare feat when you find one that does both expertly, and it’s a perfect storm of terrible when you add up all its other offenses. The sum is less than zero. Mount Your Friends wants to be objectionable, is objectionable, and can’t even redeem itself with the simplified gameplay it has on tap. XBLIG as a brand isn’t dead yet, though on days like this, I wish it was.


Review on Indie Gamer Chick

REVIEW: Death Closet

To be honest, I’m quite surprised something like this hasn’t shown up on XBLIG previously. I’ve played trainers for Shooter / Bullet Hell-types (and enjoyed them), so it makes perfect sense you’d see a trainer for a punisher / platformer. Call it necessary, even, considering the amount of death you dedicate to a game over the course of any take-your-pick punishformer. Stepping into the role of would-be sensei is Death Closet (80 MSP), operating under the assumption that ‘practice makes perfect’, or ‘practice makes you insane’, as it were.

And Death Closet is, for all its devilish intents and purposes, insane, cutting out the supposed fat and gristle (personality, slower moments, health bars, bright colors, mascots), and replacing it with death and / or near-death experiences, back to back to back to back to… well, I’m sure you get the idea.

The game drops you into a room, okay, a closet, if you want to be literal, and, over four modes that unsurprisingly play very similar to each other, you jump and double-jump to avoid a slew of projectiles. One hit and you’re done, off to the great ‘restart’ cloud in the sky. Granted, some of those hazards go beyond a simple jump or maneuver to avoid, exploding, blooming, or actively seeking you out once launched, but (non-spoiler alert!) this is all you ever do, in increments of ten or so seconds, as you’re likely to die then or very soon after.

‘Checkpoint’ mode is the friendliest, asking you to avoid fire for a set amount of time before reaching a… checkpoint, which places you there upon each restart. Learn the patterns, pray you get lucky, and repeat. Hardcore and Infinite modes drop the checkpoint system, and seem to be more or less the same, with the only difference I see being that the projectile sequence plays in a preset format in one, while going the full-random in the latter.

The last option, ‘Infinite Coin’ mode, throws collection into the jumping fray, tallying the money you pick up in lieu of time survived. It’s a diversion from the standard practices, though there’s not much incentive to it as it’s just survival in a different flavor. Leaderboards, as much a pain as they are to implement for indies, would have saved this game for me. Sharing scores with a friend isn’t cutting it.

Now, or five seconds from now, an end comes to us all.

The chief complaint something like Death Closet will accrue is that it’s extremely limited and specialized. That it all happens in a single room makes that repetition even harder to shake. If you’re not a fan of punishformers, or maybe you are, but really don’t see the dollar in what’s little more than a primer or trainer for a much better (and expanded) title like Apple Jack 2, then this game won’t hold all that much appeal to you. On the reverse side, if you’ve always felt that the platforming in other games just got in the way, if you love to die over and over without much rhyme or reason, Death Closet has your funeral(s) covered.