Tag Archives: Golconda (Developer)

FPS

REVIEW: Recall

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Looking past all the various skin on display in the image above (and throughout the entirety of the game, for that matter), Golconda‘s latest, Recall1 ($1.00), is actually a comprehensive treatise on lost memories and the connections we form with other people… … … Yeah, I can’t take it serious either. The premise is wacky stuff— super smart (and, naturally, super fit) ‘alien beings’ wearing human costumes and pulling the strings of the universe behind the scenes. Oh, and there’s this whole ‘implied Lesbianism’ thing going on in some of those memories. Legitimate relationship that fits the plot? Absolutely not. Pandering to a teenage audience? You bet.

Recall - Screen

Yet with all those vacant eyes and awkward contortions, it’s hard to see anyone getting a thrill out of this. It still smacks of the ‘uncanny valley’ awkwardness from the developer’s previous effort, Vixenized. It keeps the running theme of under-dressed women from that game, but thankfully turns Recall into an actual first-person shooter with movement, rather than the ‘stationary shooting gallery’ the first game represented. Recall sets you loose in three different ‘time periods’, to do battle with other, meaner aliens, zombie vixens, and, of course, the regular, bloodthirsty vixens.

Granted, those environments constitute an unexciting space station and a pair of equally-boring caves, hallways that lead to other hallways, occasionally impeded by a door or… some kind of laser trap2? Points are awarded for kills, and for shooting ‘bombs’ that drop from the ceiling, which then explode, piñata-style, into more bonus points.  All this to go with terribly stiff movement and shallow gunplay, though none of it is the focus. It’s simply a means to an end; by reaching certain scoring milestones, you get access to these aforementioned ‘memories’; typically girls in bathing suits / other revealing outfits3, outlining past interstellar events, as if anyone playing the game is interested in those events.

Recall - Screen2

One of your many ‘lost’ memories. Bet you wish you could remember a little less clothing, eh? (nudge, nudge) Eh? ….. sinner.

The rest flows unenthusiastically from there, a glitchy (you can walk around outside the ‘space station’ level; not very realistic for the supposed ‘vacuum’ of space), unrefined mess of disparate pieces and vague objectives (‘orbs’ of some kind are required to unlock certain memories). The gameplay suffers for it, with enemies / bombs popping up randomly, even spawning directly on top of you in some cases, draining your health and any patience you might have had up to that point. The icing on this terrible cake? Your progress isn’t saved upon exit, so you’ll have to amass all the points in one sitting if you want to see how it ends.

Not that Recall is intended for serious first-person shooter enthusiasts, or even gamers in general. It’s candy for virgin eyes that have never glanced upon the treasure box of goodies that is The Internet. The developer knows what you came for, and puts enough skin on-screen to fulfill that promise …and nothing more. It should be no surprise to anybody that the ‘game’ underneath that flesh is woefully underdone, a distracted attempt at cheap extortion, a substandard product that should be totally recalled.

  1. This review is also featured at Indiepitome. ↩
  2. It’s basically the slowest-firing laser trap in the universe. You could run past it, back up, and run through again before the laser shot would reach the other end of the wall. I’m not joking. ↩
  3. Hey, you’ve got to be comfortable. ↩
Arcade

REVIEW: Vixenized

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In a scene that is certain to cause nightmares for some of our more sensitive viewers, Vixenized ($1.00) features very tiny Amazonian women riding on bats and swinging from vines, continuously flying right at your TV screen. Make of that what you will, and plan accordingly. Both the image of it and the gameplay borders on disturbing, not the kind of concept you want for a not even bargain-bin FPS, and one that would instead feel more at home in, say, an Ozzy Osbourne video.

Vixenized - Screen

Picture this on repeat in your head. Sleep well.

All of this diminutive trouble begins with your plane crashing in the jungle. Through some gap in the logic of the story, every man onboard (of which there were many, apparently) but you is taken hostage. You see, they’ve been tied up by throngs of women in bikinis, and… well, they… they need to be… rescued? Wait, are you reading that right? A crowd of bikini-clad women want to keep you all for themselves? I’m failing to see the problem here. Rescue would be the last thing you’d want… but, the game insists you play cock-blocking hero.

So you stumble into a clearing, a static screen that looks more like someone’s perfectly-manicured backyard than a dense jungle untouched by modern man, and so begins the game’s chief struggle. Presumably to fit the Amazonian vibe, you’re equipped with a bow & arrow that functions as your weapon and a means to freeing strung-up prisoners, Robin Hood-style. It’s not a traditional FPS, however, as your movement is limited to sliding from side to side, occasionally getting a face full of bat. Levels involve waves of women on various modes of transportation, with you gunning them down and saving the men in return.

Vixenized - Screen2

Clearly, somebody has issues with women.

And so it goes with Vixenized, with you forced to play through the same background greenery and watch the same little to non-existent animation, throwing your target reticule at everything in a furred top and / or the giant snakes(!). A ‘Survival’ mode is also available, if saving your pals is too much plot and you’d rather just shoot short women on repeat.

Suffice it to say both settings are a waste of your time. The cheap appearance and wonky design could be acceptable, if it felt like an honest attempt or had other redemptive qualities. Vixenized has none of that to report, just another sad attempt at pandering and a poorer excuse for ‘interactive entertainment’.