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REVIEW: Banana Bananza

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Boob Games come in all different shapes and sizes, and not all of them are created equal. For years, I’ve been lambasting their developers to stop with all the superficial ploys and the money grabs, hoping that someday, someone would listen and release a product that could transcend the mediocrity the skin genre is known for. Well, friends, today is that sought-after day, and Banana Bananza ($1.00) is the fantastic answer to that plea. It is a boob game, yes, but one with heart and incredible depth of character, a serious achievement for the medium and an instant leaderboard add.

Banana Bananza - Screen

… No.

…  … No. Wait a minute.

That can’t be right. Hell no! No way! What I should say is April Fools! and OMG, you guys, Banana Bananza is terrible. Just awful, predatory stuff, and I wrote this review purely to stamp a ‘PLEASE KIDS, DO NOT BUY THIS’ all over it. See that screenshot above? Without hyperbole, you are paying one US dollar (or the equivalent in your local currency) to uncover the bottom half of that picture. Spoiler: It’s girls posing suggestively with bananas. Wow, who saw that coming?

Oh, I suppose I should say it’s not a total fraud. You do get a ‘banana’ counter mini-game of sorts, where you can jam on the ‘A’ button to earn bananas, or spend your accumulated fruits on other, banana-producing ‘machines’ …like a tree. …Or a farm. It’s hardly exhilarating, and honestly, you could get more fun out of playing with the calculator app on your iPhone. Worse? Partaking in this minigame nets you nothing. Nothing. You simply gain more bananas. That’s epic.

Even ‘Slime Girl’ below is sad to be a veteran of this travesty, having been used in the last three projects from Fusion Gaming (time for some new art, guys). Sure, she’s fictional, and makes questionable decisions (going naked in the swamp is not a good plan), but imagine this for your legacy: being attached to Banana Bananza. Girl, nobody is going to want to add you to their LinkedIn profile, save for the ladies from Snowfall, maybe.

Banana Bananza - Screen2

She looks like I feel after playing this game.

There’s bad games, there’s boob games, and then there’s games that should never have existed. Banana Bananza has a lifetime membership to that club. The next stranger you cross paths with, I want you to hand them a dollar. You should feel some disappointment with yourself at being a little more broke, but I’m doing you a favor. You’d be ‘paying it forward’ (thanks Haley Joel Osment), and anything is better than downloading this worthless bilge.

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EDIT 4/3: Banana Bananza has been taken off the marketplace. Not that I’ll shed a tear if it never returns, but, apparently, you can’t have cover art with a suggestive image of women with banana dicks. Also there was some glitch in the Matrix that allowed you to purchase it, but the game file was corrupted. Bottom line: You and I are much better off without it.

Banana Bananza - Box Art

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Review on Indie Gamer Chick 

Adventure

REVIEW: Sexy Island Adventure

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Somewhere in the middle of Sexy Island Adventure (80 MSP), probably after I’d upgraded my weapon / pick axe for the umpteenth time, and mashed the thousandth innocent bush or flower in my path, I came to the realization that boob games on XBLIG have now reached the point of total perversion (no pun intended). No longer just the domain of your basic puzzler or text-based affair, itself just a ruse to rub anime breasts in your face, it’s begun invading other genres. Uncraft Me! took on platforming. For Sexy Island Adventure, it’s the RPG / Adventure mold that undergoes a chesty re-imagining.

Sexy Island Adventure - Screen

Most men’s dreams go a little something like this.

And rather than using the typical construct for conflict / motivation in games, say, the vanquishing of some great evil, saving a kingdom in distress, serving a benevolent empire, or following some noble, enlightened course or journey, Sexy Island Adventure tries to pull you into its world with a ‘different’ kind of sympathy— ahem…, well, motivating your penis into action. It does so with the promise of photographing ten women scattered about the land.

Said land is wild and untamed, shrouded in mystery until you walk it and effectively ‘discover’ the terrain. Deserts, forests, water, lava; it’s all here, impeding your mission to various degrees. There’s plenty of loose money to be found, too, which will be used RPG-like to upgrade both you (increased walking speed, energy, walk on water?) and your glorified shovel / rake / axe, in order to destroy increasingly pesky barriers preventing you from achieving your ultimate goal— stumbling upon young women who have conveniently left most of their clothes as home.

Sexy Island Adventure - Screen2

Of course, it’s hard to tell there’s an underlying game here at all, as the screenshots for the game focus on the girls, which is, admittedly, the most effective, time-tested marketing angle. Indeed, there is no combat, no natural disaster or internal strife, to be found in Sexy Island Adventure. The title will not let you down. Still, the idea of breaking down the environment dull swing after dull swing after dull swing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and the ‘thrill’ of the hunt (finding the girls) gives only a subdued sense of achievement at best.

As expected, I cannot recommend Sexy Island Adventure. Hacking a thousand trees to bits to gather coins loses whatever luster it has once the reality of hacking down a thousand trees settles in. Put that mode on soundtrack-less repeat, and you can guess the result. The game functions as it should, a RPG / Camera Adventure hybrid perversion, though it’s not some great quest or wrong that needs righting that will spur you onward, no addictive arcade quality to cement repeat playing. It’s just boobs. Boobs, boobs, boobs, all the way through.