Tag Archives: Date The Boss

REVIEW: The Sexy Exorcist

Everyone needs a profession. If only for that fact that everyone has bills, and those bills need to be paid, one way or the other. Options for legitimate employment abound. Some work in construction or law enforcement, others are doctors or nurses, some peddle penis pills on the internet1, while still others take up being an amateur exorcist that meets strange women in public bathrooms and pulls the lever of a slot machine over and over (…and over, and over, and over, and even over-er, again). That last profession winds up to be the unhappy sum of The Sexy Exorcist‘s ($1.00) parts.

The Sexy Exorcist - Screen

Does that ‘slot machine’ bit sound familiar to you? It might. Though The Sexy Exorcist is its own game (well, being ‘new’ only by its date of release, I assure you), it’s really just Date The Boss with some additional artwork and a different story. Which isn’t a vote of confidence. Both games share a developer (DUALHAZE) and an island inhabited by one-dimensional characters and gameplay, and both suffer the crushing fate of being nigh unplayable and nauseating if playing it in anything more than five minute increments2.

You see, just like that game, The Sexy Exorcist is a series of ‘buy / trade for items’ quests, with said items being required to progress. You accomplish this by befriending the local populace (i.e., girls) and finding out what their interests are via the game’s built-in social site, Douchebook3. The hook is that you’re perpetually broke and uncool, requiring you to constantly earn more cash to impress your new lady friends and meet inane mission objectives.

The Sexy Exorcist - Screen2

This is where that infernal slot machine comes in, as gambling and leaving it all to chance is your best bet4 for making money to buy those increasingly-expensive gifts (oh, you can also ‘guess’ which card a fortune teller is holding up, which is equally ‘bleh’). If continuously mashing a button sounds fun to you, trust me, it’s not. From there, it’s basically on repeat, with only a few diversions along the way, each section culminating in an interrogation / questionnaire by a possessed girl, one which happens to be your only client. Fail to answer her correctly three times (only the very last question is timed, so feel free to cheat), and you’ll have to start the whole thing over again. Oh, cruel fate, what have I done to deserve this?

Unfortunately (and not at all surprising), the entirety of The Sexy Exorcist is a monotonous waste of time, a lever-pulling nightmare that you should most definitely miss out on. Bad gameplay ideas are easy enough to come by, but reusing those bad ideas and dressing them up in a different outfit? That’s just unforgivable.

  1. And I swear it’s not me! The very first email you receive in-game is from a guy named ‘Tim’, a poor soul suffering from ‘size’ issues. Could be coincidence, or it could be the developer’s subtle way of paying me back for slamming his previous games. Can’t say I don’t deserve it. Karma is a bitch. 
  2. Sadly (in this case), XBLIG trial demos last for eight minutes. 
  3. Okay, not gonna lie; that one’s kinda funny. 
  4. Forgive the pun. It was too easy. 

REVIEW: Date The Boss

Just when I was in the midst of convincing myself that ‘skin’ games on XBLIG had turned a corner and were approaching something of an acceptable genre (not really, but it sounds better in that phrasing), Date The Boss ($1.00) comes along to reaffirm my disdain for cheap, poorly-executed ‘games’ that last fifteen minutes and prey on the teenage libido. Even calling it a game is being generous, as Date The Boss is a glorfied slut slot machine.

Date the Boss - Screen

The gist of it is, you’re a unemployed lad living with an overbearing mother. You’ve managed to snag an interview at a fancy place called Beaumont Industries, and you’re essentially forced out of your home until you’ve gotten the job. Hilariously (the game insists it is, not me) enough, job interviews in Date The Boss go nothing like they do in real life. Given that you’ll be visiting strip clubs in pursuit of this ‘position’, one could argue this path to employment beats any real life job-seeking grind, but I digress.

Date The Boss is a handful of ‘acquire / purchase said item’ missions. Much like in the real world, this requires money, which you earn by gambling at the local casino. Naturally, this is all much duller than it sounds, as it essentially boils down to you continuously pulling the lever of a slot machine to potentially earn bigger paydays. Given the randomness of ‘jackpots’, you’ll probably burn through your winnings just as quickly, turning the game’s ridiculous monetary demands ($500 for a ‘massage’, so I can zoom in on a girl’s ass to read a tattoo with a combination to a safe1, one that will let me rob the innocent gal at the gift shop next door?) into tedious time-wasters.

Date the Boss - Screen2

All of this is bookended by the ‘job interview’ itself, an equally-boring general knowledge / esoteric questionnaire to ‘impress’ your potential boss. With the exception of the last question in each sequence, which is timed, you can take as long as you’d like to answer the rest (know some basic math, and keep Google handy). You’re given three chances to pass these ‘tests’, with the punishment being you’ll have to start over from the beginning.

Other than that, there is little else to Date the Boss. You can find random coins in the environment, or play Rock-Paper-Scissors with a bikini-clad girl residing in the lake by your home (which is honestly the best part of this whole travesty). If mindlessly playing the digital slot machines sounds like fun to you, you’re welcome to it. For everyone else— 99% of us, I hope— avoid.

  1. And if you’re here searching for that combination… you won’t get it from me! Pay for that $500 massage yourself! Persistence, lads!