REVIEW: Uncraft’Em All

A wise (and probably horny) man once said, ‘If it ain’t broke, why cover those girls up?’1 A sage observation and excellent advice, to be sure, and one that Uncraft’Em All ($1.00) is still keen on following (it works just fine for the internet). This game doesn’t bring much of anything new to the Uncraft Me series, but something tells me its target audience isn’t too particular regarding new content or extensive gameplay innovations, so long as the girls are included.

Uncraft'Em All - Screen

Ugh, don’t remind me of that game.

Not that the series needs any drastic changes to be successful. Its brand of punisher-platforming, which sees a small, square lad (and a jetpack with limited fuel) jumping and flying through dozens of lava-lined hallways and other hazards, functions well enough. Of course, it’s intentions are to kill you hundreds of times over and tease you with the promise of girls and above-average breast sizes, but the controls and the design are generally well-done.

Uncraft’Em All is no exception to the rule. It contains an impressive-sounding 24 stages, all of which will need to be carefully navigated by you in order to ‘rescue’ a fair maiden held captive at the end of the run. They’re split between four difficulty settings that range from easy to OMG F-UUUUU! hard, and you can tackle them in any order that you choose. However, all of these levels are shorter than the ones featured in previous games (no checkpoints needed), and the girls (the true focal point and your reason for being here, natch) are a ‘sloppy seconds’ of sorts, having all appeared in previous games from developer Team Shuriken’s skintastic oeuvre.

Uncraft'Em All - Screen2

You hear that? That’s the audible, disappointed sigh of a thousand young men who were hoping for an all-new set of women to ‘uncraft’. Life is full of disappointments. Still, while the ladies may have not changed, the levels themselves do provide the requisite amounts of challenge and frustration2 (the profanity-laden vocal track that accompanies each of your failures is still as applicable as ever) the punisher genre is known for.

That said, Uncraft’Em All is like any other Uncraft Me! game you’ve played before, just more of it. That’s not a bad thing, especially if you enjoyed the first two titles, but that also means it’s a retread. And with a new game, Uncraft World, coming to Steam in 2015, this one feels more like a masturbatory… ahem, celebratory— victory lap around XBLIG, thanking its feverish fans for their support, an appetizer to a main dish that will be served elsewhere.

  1. Damn, that’s a terrible joke. Sounds a lot like my previous Uncraft Me! motto, too: ‘If the breasts ain’t broke, don’t fix them!’ I really need to come up with new material. 
  2. To Hell with those timed laser traps, I say. To Hell! 

4 thoughts on “REVIEW: Uncraft’Em All”

  1. “this one feels more like a masturbatory… ahem, celebratory— victory lap around XBLIG, thanking its feverish fans for their support..” – this actually made me laugh out loud. nothing wrong with a little fan service, right? lmao

    1. True enough. I harp on the ‘skin’ games all the time, but truth be told, XBLIG would’ve probably flat-lined years ago if it weren’t for the boob games and ‘fan service’. Same goes some AAA game franchises as well, pretty much 85% of what comes out of Japan, JPop / KPop (and pop music in general), plenty of movies / anime, hell, even this site would be dead if it weren’t for the ‘skin’ reviews. I really don’t want to bite the hand… er… breast, that feeds me1.

      I don’t mind them, personally, but shit, at least make a halfway-decent game to go around it. Uncraft’Em All does that, to be fair. Were this the first title in the series, rather than the third (and with reused parts), I’d probably recommend it. Hey, it got Team Shuriken on Steam, so it works. More power to them for getting those breasts in front of more faces, I guess. 🙂

      1. Yes, I realize that’s ALL kinds of wrong, but it’s kinda funny, too. 
  2. Well, I don’t think it is a bad thing that they’re recycling the girls. The only game I bought from these guys is Uncraft Me 2 which is a pretty cool platformer with added manga skin to boot. I’ve never had the balls to buy any of those so-called adventure games they shove into the XBLIG, but I was always kinda curious to see what “damsels” waited me there. Now I don’t have to wonder anymore

    PS: managed to supress every masturbation joke that came to mind!

    1. It’s not easy to avoid the jokes; I kept wanting to make up more terrible puns and one-liners!

      Yeah, this would be the ‘definitive’ version of Uncraft Me to get, certainly. I’m guessing very few people (besides reviewers, maybe) will have bought every single game Team Shuriken has put out, so some of the gals will be new to some. That still doesn’t change the fact that it’s a retread of familiar layouts and ideas, but I’m sure the game is known more for its ‘visuals’ than the gameplay anyway. 😀

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