It’s not the most glamorous job, and the stench has got to be unbelievable, but certainly garbagemen have to be considered among the unsung heroes of the world. They’re not curing diseases or inventing new forms of space travel, sure, but consider this ‘what-if’ for a second; a world without garbagemen. Huh? Huh? Yeah, we’d have a world that looks and smells a whole lot like Delhi. And no offense to India, but that would be bad. Really bad. So that’s why I always give a wave to to those guys when I see them. Partially out of respect, but mostly to clear the air1.

G-Men - Screen

While praise for their contributions is always in short supply, it’s even rarer to see garbagemen represented favorably in the media. Sure, we were blessed with the Charlie Sheen / Emilio Estevez gem Men At Work2, but video games have largely been overlooked. That is, until now.  G-Men ($1.00) makes it possible for everyone to experience the joy and the wonder (and the questionable ‘juices’ that reside in the bottom of the bin) of being a garbage collector.

Sort of. G-Men is more of an MS Paint-style arcade collectathon than a simulator or ‘thank you’ to garbage folk. The game starts you out on foot, walking down the street to pick up bags while avoiding some obstacles and passing motorists. You’re on a time limit, of course, and are tasked with collecting a set number of bags. Meet your quota, and you’re given a pickup truck to haul trash with. The process repeats, adding a few other hazards / enemies, with you eventually building yourself up to a full-fledged garbage truck— the crown jewel of waste management! How exciting!

G-Men - Screen2

Too bad the game is the digital equivalent of it’s chosen subject; pure trash. The idea behind G-Men is thin, the gameplay even more so, but neither is what condemns the game to be metaphorically dumped in a metaphorical landfill. Rather, it’s the completely ridiculous hit detection. Even when you’re clearly out of the path of an oncoming car or obstacle, you will take damage. On foot, it’s instant death and especially annoying, but even in a truck with semi-limited health, avoiding hits is a matter of luck instead of fair spacing.

As such, the game makes it essentially impossible for you to get anywhere consistently. That glaring fault, taken together with the child-simple visuals and rock bottom basic gameplay, and you’d have to wonder why developer Generation Why Studios3 even bothered to release such an untested, unwarranted mess on the marketplace. I can’t see the reason. G-Men is outright terrible, and should be taken out to the curb and disposed of.

(EDIT 9/1: An update for the game has been released that fixes some of the hit detection problems. While objects that pass over your ‘head’ no longer cause damage, the range of cars / obstacles that run near your ‘feet’ is still ridiculously out of whack.)

  1. Sorry. There was really no way I could resist that old joke. 
  2. It’s a guilty pleasure, and Keith David is hilarious in the film as well. Look, a wild trailer appears! 
  3. And really, why create such a terrible game, Generation Why? 

23 thoughts on “REVIEW: G-Men”

  1. I don’t think the comment I wrote earlier is on here so I’ll just say the patch was released. It changes the collision detection from horrific to playable. No offense taken at all, I was actually quite impressed that my game got a review at all!

    1. Ah, well, good. I’m never sure what crosses a line and what doesn’t. I have to be honest, but in a way that doesn’t drift into meanness. Good to hear. 🙂 And thanks for the update. I’ll give it a go some time this weekend, and change that part of the review accordingly.

  2. Also I do find it funny how a bad review would lead to increased buys unless it’s just a coincidence that every day since you wrote this, sales have been higher. Thanks for the publicity I guess haha

    1. Hmm, well, I guess take the notoriety anywhere / any way you can get it! 🙂 I could see an increase in trials, but purchases? Seems people are going against the review in that case. Works out for you, at least.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment / visit the site, Jeremy. Sorry I didn’t have better things to say about the game, although it seems you and I agree on where it went bad. Apologies if the review sounded too harsh or personal; that’s never my intention. It seemed very much like a ‘first effort’, but at the same time, I’ve got to call a game out whenever it does something wrong. Of course, that ‘wrong’ is always subjective, so others might feel differently. Drop me a line once the update goes through, and I can always check out the game again, to add any new thoughts / revise what I’ve written.

      At any rate, you are that ‘hero’ doing the world a service with your daytime job, so I thank you for that.

  3. So a few days ago, I noticed a spike in sales of my beloved game “G-men”, so I searched google and found this scathing review to be the reason. Make no mistake, I’m under no illusion that I created a best seller. My game sucks. That we can all agree on. Why does my game suck? Well the truth is this is my first crack at programming in any way shape or form. I was so excited to release a game, I ignored the horrible collision detection and put it out for review. The day after it was released, I put it up for review again with the issue fixed in a patch , but it’s been waiting for votes since then and the damage has already been done. As for the other criticisms, I can only make more complex games with experience so I won’t be quitting my day job(garbageman) anytime soon. By the way you are right. The stench is quite atrocious

    1. Awesome. At least you took the leap of faith and put something together with what I call a wonderful idea for a game. I’ve been “dreaming” of doing the same thing and it looks like my time is about to pass on getting something out on the Xbox at least so I commend you on your first effort and even more commendations for patching it. Peer review can be challenging sometimes as well the XBLIG can be broken from time to time as well.

  4. Ain’t no one getting away with insulting paperboy!
    I kid I kid.
    But this is an odd review choice tim.

    1. Odd review choice, you say? Have you seen some of the stuff I’ve covered here? 😀

      Take Recall, which I’ve been playing through, and will likely be up next. That’s odd; this is just bad. 🙂

    2. Theoretically, yes, redheads should get an immediate pass. Then again, the ‘models’ in Recall kind of creep me out. Those vacant stares, the awkward ‘poses’… (shivers) … stuff like that can haunt a person if you’re not careful.

    3. @Saansilt: Gah, now I’ve got to live up to that anticipation! I’ll do my best. 🙂

      @Soosh: That could be a new way to describe a game’s visuals: South Park-ian in nature.

  5. What’s interesting is that it is not a bad idea for a concept for a game. Too bad they didn’t pull it off. Unless they were going for ‘bad’, then they did a great job. Really hard to tell based on the name of the developer.

    1. Oh forgot to mention be the first to reply to my comment and I’ll make sure that Tim sends some Junk Mail to your registered email. 😉

    2. I guess I could hand off a few unused Destiny beta codes… Won’t do you any good now, but hey… you won something. 😀

      The idea is alright, but not the way they implemented it. If it was more Paperboy-esque1, maybe. That and the awful hit detection. I thought about filming some clips of it for proof, but in the end, I figured why put in the effort that the developer clearly didn’t.

      1. I suddenly really want to play that game. Hmmm. 
    3. @Dream Poet:
      (…) be the first to reply to my comment and I’ll make sure that Tim sends some Junk Mail to your registered email.

      But… but Tim was the first to reply to your comment. Does that mean he’ll send it to his own email address now?

      @Tim: Funny that you mentioned Paperboy. Planned to write an article about it, so I played it a couple of weeks back and, oh boy, that one didn’t age well. It’s not so much the graphics or sound, but the gameplay. [Note: Thinking about it, maybe it’s me who didn’t age well and I just plain suck at that game now] :/

    4. I knew Tim would end up replying first. Yep he now won a lifetime supply of Spam from himself!!!!

      I know what you mean about paperboy. I loved that game back then but about a year or so ago I played it again and was like MEH!!! Sometimes the memory is best. Think about it. You ever go back with an old girlfriend that you broke up with just because there was this one thing she used to do that was wonderful but then when she does it after you get back together you are like MEH?

    5. @Soosh & Dream Poet: Ah! Codes for the Destiny beta! It’s just what I wanted! I can’t wait to try… oh… oh… okay. Well, that was a useless competition. Wait, these codes were mailed from my own email address? What is going…. oh…. oh… …I’m so confused right now. 😀

      Don’t you dare knock Paperboy! It’s a classic! You hear me, a bleeding classic! Ahem…. Sorry about that. The nostalgia was strong with that one. I couldn’t help myself. I had a paper route as a kid, too, so maybe that factors into it. It is a classic, at least to me.

      Even Paperboy 64 wasn’t that bad in hindsight. Also, wish I would’ve picked it up on XBLA before it was taken down. Had the trial forever, should’ve hit the ‘buy’ button.

    6. I too had a paper route. In fact three times in my life I had paper routes. First one was preteen about 12 in PA in an apartment complex I lived in and I rode my bike but wasn’t allowed to throw the papers I had to walk them to the doors. My second one was when I was 14 in AZ and this one I had to ride my bike because it was at least 3-5 miles away where I had to pick up the papers. My route again was in an apartment complex I lived it but at least I could throw the papers there. Even got jumped by a group of kids trying to steal my money on collection day. Remember having to go to peoples door and get the money for them? I do…but I’m much older than you. The last time I was in my 30’s and drove a car in the middle of the night as a second job. Probably the most fun I had on a job actually tossing papers out of a moving car was challenging and fun all at the same time. Had a route of over 500 deliveries and would start about 1-2am and work till 4 or 5 am then had to be at my second first job at 8am so would get a nap in.

      See I have fond memories too. HOWEVER when I played it on the XBLA I did not enjoy it one bit. And I used to love playing that game in the arcades. Never played it on the N64 (was always to busy playing Turok) but now all this talk about it (and knowing I can’t get it) makes me want to buy it now. 😦

    7. When searching for stuff on the game Paperboy I came across this movie that looks awesome. Never heard of it but I am downloading it now. Looks like a winner to me.

    8. The Paperboy, eh? I’ve seen it around, haven’t watched it yet. Actually never saw the whole trailer until now. I thought it was just some typical ‘Zac Efron is dreamy’ shit; had no idea that McConaughey and Cusack were in it as well. Perhaps I’ll have to give it a watch sometime.

      Ah, excellent on the paper route! Then you know exactly what I’m talking about and then some! Actually, I never had to collect door to door, as I just went around with my Dad at a few different points in my life. The one route that was ‘mine’, I did for a friend, trading off weeks. He handled the collection (and most of the tips, bastard!), but I did do it twice, when he was on vacations with his family. People would always invite me in while they were getting the money / check. In hindsight, probably not the smartest move for an 11-year-old. :/

      Doing the apartment complexes with my Dad were always an adventure! I don’t know if you did it the same way, but we’d have to toss the paper up on the second / third floor balconies, as there was no way to get into the buildings that early in the morning. This was when I was seven / eight-years-old, so I didn’t have the greatest strength or smarts. I can’t remember how many papers I grabbed from the wrong end and scattered to the wind, or hit people’s back doors / windows. Never broke anything, but I came close, I’m sure. 😀

      It was fun stuff, like you said, and I’ve got a lot of fond memories of it. Actually, the part I liked best was the initial ‘bagging’ in the morning, rolling up papers / inserts and building up a ‘wall’ of papers. I used to do the whole thing while my Dad would go bullshit. I felt like bigshot, working with the rest of the folks at like three in the morning. Good times.

      I guess that translates to my liking the game, although I never had nearly the amount of hazards to navigate around. 🙂

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