In a scene that is certain to cause nightmares for some of our more sensitive viewers, Vixenized ($1.00) features very tiny Amazonian women riding on bats and swinging from vines, continuously flying right at your TV screen. Make of that what you will, and plan accordingly. Both the image of it and the gameplay borders on disturbing, not the kind of concept you want for a not even bargain-bin FPS, and one that would instead feel more at home in, say, an Ozzy Osbourne video.
Picture this on repeat in your head. Sleep well.
All of this diminutive trouble begins with your plane crashing in the jungle. Through some gap in the logic of the story, every man onboard (of which there were many, apparently) but you is taken hostage. You see, they’ve been tied up by throngs of women in bikinis, and… well, they… they need to be… rescued? Wait, are you reading that right? A crowd of bikini-clad women want to keep you all for themselves? I’m failing to see the problem here. Rescue would be the last thing you’d want… but, the game insists you play cock-blocking hero.
So you stumble into a clearing, a static screen that looks more like someone’s perfectly-manicured backyard than a dense jungle untouched by modern man, and so begins the game’s chief struggle. Presumably to fit the Amazonian vibe, you’re equipped with a bow & arrow that functions as your weapon and a means to freeing strung-up prisoners, Robin Hood-style. It’s not a traditional FPS, however, as your movement is limited to sliding from side to side, occasionally getting a face full of bat. Levels involve waves of women on various modes of transportation, with you gunning them down and saving the men in return.
Clearly, somebody has issues with women.
And so it goes with Vixenized, with you forced to play through the same background greenery and watch the same little to non-existent animation, throwing your target reticule at everything in a furred top and / or the giant snakes(!). A ‘Survival’ mode is also available, if saving your pals is too much plot and you’d rather just shoot short women on repeat.
Suffice it to say both settings are a waste of your time. The cheap appearance and wonky design could be acceptable, if it felt like an honest attempt or had other redemptive qualities. Vixenized has none of that to report, just another sad attempt at pandering and a poorer excuse for ‘interactive entertainment’.