REVIEW: Noyd

Classic game collections are always a mixed bag (pardon the literal truth of that and let me explain). It assumes you’ve never played most of the games it has on offer, and to those of you that didn’t live in the world before cellphones, you probably haven’t. For the rest of you that have spent hours on most or all of the typical retro staples in stock, the game instead reasons that you’d like to have all of the titles available under one roof, so to speak, for the low, low rate of one dollar. Noyd ($1.00) is all of these things, with an ever-so-zany twist!

Noyd - Screen

The collection (15 games in all) is comprised of your standard fare; some gems, some duller baubles, and some outright stinkers. You can squeeze enough fun out of the Tetris, Asteroids, and Pac-Man clones, among others, but lumping in lesser games like Simon Says (excuse me, Noyd Says), Tic-Tac-Toe, and Hangman, is stretching the definition of ‘classics’. Regardless of your preferences, though, the main selling point of this collection isn’t the actual games.

You see, rather than just have you go up against a silent artificial intelligence, reliving old memories or trying on something you may have missed years ago, Noyd introduces… well, Noyd, a wise-cracking AI that loves to play competitive games and abhors cheaters… despite the fact that it is a rampant offender itself. Should you win any of the games against Noyd, it immediately rethinks the rules of the match, either by throwing harder rulesets or enemy types your way, decreasing the time you have between moves, reversing your controls, or by shifting the entire arena in order to mess you up. Constant Sabotage is Noyd’s top trick, and it is a very poor sport. Bottom line, you’re destined to lose.

Noyd - Screen2

Curiously, I say the same thing when I’m eating.

This starts off humorous enough, adding absurd new layers of challenge to a classic concept, and winning against Noyd after several rounds of a given game will unlock another event in the menu. That said, the same formula of ridiculousness begins to work against any ‘fun’ you’re having while losing. With the unending drone of robotic put-downs and drawn-out HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs, you’ll quickly tire of the multiple retries, none of which ultimately come with any great rewards or satisfaction (you can immediately unlock all game types without even having to beat Noyd once).

The repetition and recycled art / quips eventually wear you down. Noyd assembles an acceptable Dream Team of classics, but loses almost all of the charm those games hold once its ‘shtick’ hits full-steam ahead. If I wanted to be the victim of questionable tactics and / or insulted every time I lose, I’d play any first-person shooter online.

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12 thoughts on “REVIEW: Noyd”

  1. What’s that? No reference to the classic Domino’s mascot, the Noid? For shame!
    … And in researching the Noid for this joke, I’ve discovered that a fellow by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid once thought that the Noid ad campaign was a personal attack, so he held a Domino’s hostage for five hours and demanded 100 000 dollars, getaway transportation, a book about the Illuminati, and a single pizza.
    Life is funny.

    1. Yo! Noid?!?! Fuck that game. Terrible stuff. Just like that old 7up ‘Spot’ game. Doritos Crash Course gets a pass, only because it’s free and ‘not bad’.

      And great, as if it wasn’t bad enough that the government is spying on all of us already, you have to go and add the Illuminati to the list by mentioning them. I’m not going to be able to leave my house now. Thanks…

    2. You just condemned all future generations of my family to a life of eternal spy satellite monitoring, no-fly lists, and constant traffic tickets. My great-great grandkids will eventually have to sleep with one eye open. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

    3. It’s alright. At least you’ve avoided the Knights Templar and the Anunnaki. Those are the ones with the real power according to the messages beamed directly into my brain when I’m not wearing my tinfoil “scrambler” hat.

    4. Well, not so much. I’m a descendant of Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahad, so I’m pretty sure Abstergo and the Templars are going to kidnap me and stick me in an animus somewhere. I’ll probably end up being part of the plot for Assassin’s Creed 8.

  2. A game that cheats? Now there’s a concept that I got my fill of on the original Xbox. Several games come to mind including DoA and Project Gotham Racing (which also confused me since I saw no references to Batman all the 100+ hours I put into that game). And besides if I wanted to be abused some more I’d just contact one of my ex wives. Funny how they think you are the greatest person in the world at first and twist your arm to marry them then shortly after that you are the scum of the earth. But I digress.

    1. Gah! ‘Avoid the Noyd’ would’ve been a good one. I miss out on all the decent one-liners. The cheating is meant to be a playful jab, though it really does start to piss you off, more than anything. Eh, I’m just burnt out on ‘classic’ games. You can only see so many, and XBLIG is notorious for that simple, retro style.

      Don’t quote me on this, but I believe PGR was originally the ‘code name’ for the game when it was being developed, and it just stayed the same for release. Doesn’t make much sense otherwise, and certainly no Batmobile in the game that I knew of. I actually owned the game at one point, and it simply disappeared. To this day, I have no idea what happened to it.

      As for wives (and ex-wives), I very thankfully have no expertise in that field. 🙂

  3. If you love to be verbally assaulted every time you play a game, then have I got a sweetheart deal for you. First person to reply to this comment wins a copy of Noyd, courtesy of Bog Turtle Games.

    1. Oh yeah, since I don’t have a Gold account, I don’t get verbally assaulted often enough while playing ,so that would be welcome. Thanks ! (sorry for the double post, first time using wordpress)

    2. No problem on the double post. WordPress has bestowed upon me the gift to erase -entire- conversations if I so desire. …No man should have this much power. 🙂

      Game is yours! I’ll send the code to your email shortly!

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