Though the weather outside is frightful, the bikini-clad anime girls inside are so delightful. Or so hopes developer Snow-Capped Studios. Snowfall ($1.00) is more ridiculously-deceptive yet eerily-effective marketing at its very best. With a cover choice that features two girls embracing each other in merry holiday attire, you’ve really set yourself and your product up for two things— a ribbing review from yours truly, and a thousand trial downloads from curious teenagers.
Oh, I’m ‘pressing Start’ as hard as I can.
Start with the screenshots, heavy on implied lesbianism and completely absent of representative gameplay (the ‘Press Start’ screen does not count). You know, that ‘thing’ that makes your product interactive, a videogame on a videogame console, and you, a videogame developer. Not that the ‘gameplay’ is anything remotely interesting after you strip away the girls. Imagine the worst flash game you’ve ever played. Have you got the image in mind? Good, now then, slap yourself across the face. Harder. If the pain hurts you somewhere deep in your videogame soul, you’re now all set to play Snowfall.
Playing as the buxom ‘Jessica’ in the illest-fitting Santa costume she owns, your goal is to slide the avatar from side to side (no walking animations here) or jump in the air, capturing grapes and avoiding the clothes that fall from the sky, because, um, yeah. I shit you not, this is the anti-genius of Snowfall. Worse yet, there’s hardly any way to avoid the falling clothes for any extended length of time, as Jessica’s static stance is not conductive to dodging anything but good gameplay.
She’s just cleaning snow off of her friend’s lip. Because she cares.
There is no strategy or varying degrees of difficulty present, no change in objectives, backgrounds, or assets, no highscore keeping. You either restart to go again (Do not want!), or return to the menu. Or you can play it in four-player local co-op, which I’m assuming would tear apart the very fabric of our universe should anyone attempt it.
Snowfall’s only redemptive quality is its menu music, which turns into a rather thumping techno track… by which you can write a disparaging review of the rest of the game. Minus Snow-Capped Studios reaching into your wallet to steal some holiday cash, there’s no reason for Snowfall to exist. Even in a market that begs for stuff like this, with developers more than willing to oblige, Snowfall is just… just so goddamn terrible.