REVIEW: Unicorn Makeout Mania

As the great philosopher and orator Marshall Mathers once said, ‘Opportunity comes once in a lifetime’. The applications for that quote may vary, though generally speaking, if you find yourself at the precipice of some unknown cause or mysterious route you want to take, dangerous or not, you should leap. That way, whatever happens (long jail sentence, irreparable harm to your body), you know the reasons for it were too good to pass up. Case in point, Unicorn Makeout Mania (80 MSP).

Click to be permanently scarred.

How does one, being of sound mind, who finds themselves in the field of amateur videogame journalism, not take a chance on something like this? The title absolutely breeds curiosity and / or a few worrisome thoughts. Unicorn-on-unicorn action? Some innocent fun for the Brony and Pegasister crowd to get behind?

Eh, not so much. There’s the adorably-drawn cartoon unicorns, sure enough, starring in a mock fighting game… kissing and slapping each other with their tongues. ‘Kissing each other… to death!’, as the description notes. Ah, well that’s an unexpected turn of events. In other words, softcore pony pornography. Okay. So maybe it’s not the My Little Pony demographic being targeted here (names like ‘Lusty’ and ‘Horny’ are probably dead giveaways, too).

Fighting is handled in the standard setup, with quick / powerful move tradeoffs, best of three rounds wins. It has a Mortal Kombat-style fatality where multi-colored butterflies spew forth out of the severed combatant (That is too cute!). I even admit the game has slightly (very slightly) more depth to it than I expected, with block and stun moves and some semblance of strategy. Don’t take that as any kind of endorsement, though. There’s no clever hook or ingenuity to follow. The repetitiveness of the ‘fights’ dulls before your eight minutes are up, and you’re not missing anything after that trial period ends beyond a steady repeat of the same four fighters.

Unicorn Makeout Mania - Screen

Viewing this screenshot in some countries will get you arrested.

Humor and sheer ridiculousness aside, there’s no good reason to play Unicorn Makeout Mania. As if you could have expected anything else. It’s a novelty, a (forgive me…) one-trick pony, a joke without a punchline. Another quote, if you will, this one paraphrasing Frost: Two roads diverged in an XBLIG wood, and I— I took the one paved in lustful unicorns, and it didn’t make any difference.

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13 thoughts on “REVIEW: Unicorn Makeout Mania”

  1. God, I would love to be a fly on the wall for this thing’s pitch meeting.
    “Okay, boss, I know this is going to sound weird, but just hear me out: playable unicorn snuff porn-”
    “FUCK YEAH.”

    1. It’s filling a niche. A very, -very- narrow niche, one that tows a dubious moral line and borders on illegal, but a niche nonetheless. And now, much like ‘Mount Your Friends’ did a few days ago, the game is trending #1 here, so clearly that niche is being scratched (see, now that’s funny, because niche rhymes with ‘itch’ and it’s being scratched… I’m hilarious.).

    2. CONFOUND THIS GAME FOR EXSISTING!
      If the devs get here, I will track down their adresses and attack their HQ with mercenaries to free man of these games.
      Thats probaldly not gonna end well tough….
      Strange, grab the car.
      You, me, Xionix, and Tim are heading after em.

    1. Oh, it will (or has).

      The dude’s prolific with his posts on his own site, so my guess? Probably waist-deep in writing the next installment of his ‘Madhere’ story, …or looking for ‘inspiration’ on Omegle or a number of other questionable establishments. Spend too long in the underbelly of society, and you do not come back out alive. I’m praying for him.

  2. LIttle by little XBLIG are covering all the fetishes. First boobs now zoophilia, I think XBLIG is a secret organization to promote strange sexual behaviors (nobody will see in your gamerscore the achievement for cleaning unicorns private parts). I might sound like a hipocrite but, although I dont play this games, I like reading the reviews about boobs and weird stuff. Yep, I’m gulity. First time I was able to talk about tits without getting sue, but yes, its affect the market overall, because its looks like a joke, a fun one I have to admit. But, from what I heard, this games existed way before the reviews sites were on the map, the fame its already there, not matter if you not do a review until Ronin or Astralis, that will not change the fame the channel got, and will not change the perception of people.

    And as that philosopher also said
    “And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse”
    No matter how crap the games are, your job is to review them, good are bad ones, and gives the good ones the recognition its deserves.

    NOTE
    That quote was taken from the song “Till I Collapse”, one of my favorites song of Eminem.

    1. A decent conspiracy.
      Oh well, even with horrors like this I must press on.
      Onward with the war!

    2. Exactly. You always have to give the people what they want. If they demand unicorns, you give them unicorns. And like you said, they’ve (boob games and such) been around longer than this site has been around, and they’ll still be here long after this site is gone. Good or bad, it’s on me to hand down an honest verdict. These kinds of reviews are always easier to write, though. 🙂

  3. If games like these hit the top, hoping this one doesn’t tough, XBLIG will die a miserable death.
    Then we will say:
    “I was there at the end times of Xbox Live Indies.
    Would you believe me if I told you that there were actual games there would you believe me son?”

    1. And sadly I’m aiding in its demise by reviewing these types. Must be heading into a mini pony / unicorn renaissance, as now there’s a pony racer: http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/ERMAHGERD-PONIES/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d80258550d83

      Oh, and a heads up. The Unbreakable Chain -does- feature a dinosaur in its screenshot (http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/Product/The-Unbreakable-Chain/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d80258550d81), though the game is one of those weird, WarioWare-like releases that mix up a bunch of different vignettes and styles. Probably not going to review it, but thought I’d mention it.

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