REVIEW: Uncraft Me!

The world is full of surprises. Take Team Shuriken, for example. Normally the purveyors of the multiple choice, Guess-Your-Own-Adventure genre, mixed with nearly-naked, impossibly-endowed women, they’ve now turned over a new leaf! Not that new a leaf, mind you, as the business of boobs is still roaring right along, but this time, with Uncraft Me! (80 MSP), the developer has wedged an actual game between all the generous cleavage.

Uncraft Me! - Screen

See, subtle.

Of course, that disguise comes booby-trapped (oh the puns!) in one of the most maddening punishformers I’ve come across, but hey, any progress is progress. At first sight, past the skippable tale of imprisoned princesses and an evil cube that wants to make everything square, it seems to be an average platformer, albeit one done in the style of Minecraft. You’ll jump and jetpack around the level (it recharges once you land), following a predetermined route through your standard set of obstacles and hazards. It’s low impact, the controls are simple, and it’s entirely adequate.

That humdrum changes with the first checkpoint, when a rocket blasts away part of the background, revealing a ‘portion’ of the aforementioned princess, locked away in her cubed prison. Surprise, surprise, she’s not overdressed for the occasion. This is how you know you’re playing Team Shuriken. The concept here reminds me of the clubhouse victory scenes in the movie ‘Major League’, where a piece of clothing was taken off for each win the team put up. Carrot on a stick, except the carrot is replaced by… you know, all the ladies.

Reaching subsequent checkpoints will continue to undress break out that level’s princess, until eventually you’ve scaled the stage and get to fully admire your handiwork. And so it goes, until you reach the fourth or fifth ‘lady-stage’, where it becomes more of a punishformer, sticking its chest out braggadocios-ly, totally keen on making you sweat the gaps between each skin-tastic checkpoint. The lava becomes more prevalent, the lasers a little faster, death more constant, and the leeway, less.

Uncraft Me! - Screen2

Uncraft Me! forgets what it is, and insists on being taken serious, stressing the perfect timing and nimble maneuvering you’d find in a Super Meat Boy and the like. In a more serious game, I’d be happy to comply, or at least make a spirited attempt. Here, not so much.

Despite the new style and move towards actual gameplay, Team Shuriken’s latest is more miss than hit, a distraction for a distraction that’ll frustrate the most patient of playboys. I can absolutely say that I haven’t had to work this hard to uncover a pair of boobs since… well, ever. Uncraft Me! is a commendable attempt at a developer trying something new, just one that’s not worth the aggravation.


Review on Indie Gamer Chick

19 thoughts on “REVIEW: Uncraft Me!”

    1. I figured the more boobs you had in your comments the more hits you might get. And since I’m one big boob thought it deserved another big boob. Two big boobs are better than one. On most days.

  1. Wait, so I have to go through agonizing challenges, so difficult that it reaches “Super Meat Boy” levels, avoiding death and destruction at every turn, all in the hopes of getting to see boobs?
    My gods! It’s the perfect dating simulator!

    1. It’s -really- close to being one. Really, -really- close. The only thing that’s needed now is for a door to be slammed shut on my fingers while simultaneously being called a pervert, which is how most of my dates end.

      On the plus side, three days in a row this game has gotten me record hits / views. Something about the boobs— I mean, platforming elements— is clearly resonating with gamers…

    2. …. It has a certain charm to it. I’d try it on a trial basis. It’s yours for 30 days, and if you don’t see an increase in traffic, you can refund the boob for the whole price, shipping & handling included. Love it, and we’ll ship you the second boob for two easy payments of $19.95. That’s how confident we are that you’ll enjoy your new boobs…

      (Way too much effort went into this reply.)

  2. I have not seen a pair of boobs since… well… ever, so this game would have been in my interest, but after reading your review, it is a big no. But what’s going on with these guys? I’m no developer, but are games with blocks not capable of including level editors? If the guys don’t have the creativity to do a good level design, let the fans do it and make the work for you. Damn!!! Learn from other games (Murder Miners) and be “inspired” by them. You had a chance to have like 300 levels and multiple non-paid level designers and these guys did not take it. Again, I’m no developer, so maybe that was not possible.

    1. Were it a multiplayer game / FPS, I could see the reason for including a level editor. For a platformer, and no way to share levels, I’m sure it wasn’t a priority. ‘Escape Goat’ had a great level editor, which a few people made real good use out of. Unfortunately, the only way to share levels was on YouTube, for people to watch. XBLIG isn’t always the best platform for including those sorts of things, so I don’t blame the developers for passing on that idea. I did like the 2D Minecraft design, though. Wouldn’t mind seeing them, or any other developer, using that as a template for other games going forward.

    2. I see, I was seeing a Little Big Planet hidden in those boobs, guess my lack of visual experience blind me. I dont know how the indies channel move or what sells more, is like that channel is another console, and the Xbox itself a completly different world. But thats why you are here lad, to keep us inform. Escape Goat mmm, I see that one in the chick board and yours… gotta check that one out.

    3. Haha. LBP in those boobs is wishful thinking, sir. I applaud games that do take the time and effort to cram in the content for players, but yeah, there’s definitely a point with indies where you have to say ‘enough is enough’. Level editors are nice, just not really feasible for the XBLIG market.

      On the other note, though, Escape Goat is well worth the look / money. Also Gateways, if you like clever puzzle / platformers.

    4. Map editor is certainly something we’re talking about right now. First we’re patching in level 9, making level 8 slightly easier, adding gallery mode and adding an option to not have the girls in the background at all.

      After that, we’ll consider steam greenlight with proper level editing and map sharing. those feature only make sense to us on pc, because the architecture on xblig for those kinds of features are only player to player so it’s incredibly limited.

      As for the difficulty, I feel there’s enough “easy” content and other than level 8, i still feel the difficulty is fine. The time to finish the entire game on first run through varies wildy between individuals. I’ve had many reports of people beating the game under 40 minutes, but also reports of people taking up to 5 hours. For those under 40 minutes, it always took atleast 15 minutes only on level 8, meaning they really didn’t struggle all that much with the first 7 levels. The only point most agree on concerning difficulty is that level 8 is too much.

    5. Map editor!!! Now the PC version is something I’m looking forward. My comment was just my own personal opinion about the review (I read them for a reason, to make a decision of what to buy or not). Its just my own interpretation of what I read. Its just seems the game could have much more potential. But I’m really glad that the Map Editor is something you already took into consideration, after reading this review of the Xbox version I cant say it is to my liking, but I’m REALLY looking forward to the PC version and will keep an close eye to see how that version is working out. And if the the PC version sucks, well, I will not lie, but I will express my feelings in a more polite way, like you just did in this comment. Good luck on the PC version guys, I really hope in turned out good, so I can eat my own words, but I will have a sweet after taste because I will be enjoying a good Team Shuriken game. Exito 🙂

    6. Ah, well then I take back my guesswork on a level editor, and I stand corrected. Definitely best as a PC-exclusive feature, as you mentioned.

      I agree on level 8; that’s a pretty ridiculous stage that I still haven’t completed. The previous levels had some sticking points, but that one definitely put a damper on things. Glad to see you guys revisiting that and adjusting it accordingly. Shocked that some people could breeze through it, while others had difficulties before even reaching that stage. Goes to show the wide range of skill in players. Look forward to giving that (and stage 9) a go once the patch is up.

      Regardless of what did and didn’t work, and my review, I do want to reiterate that I am extremely pleased you guys created more of a ‘game’ around this release. It’s certainly not up to me or anyone else to tell you what to make, and we all know that ‘boobs’ sell, but I do think you guys did a good job with Uncraft Me. Hope to see more in the future like that. Thanks for reading / commenting, Louis. 🙂

  3. Reminds me of one of the first games I bought for a PC many moons ago back when I had me a state of the art RGB monitor. It was called Strip Poker. The game, well poker, and every hand you won the girl would take an article of clothing off. If you remember RGB, then you know it didn’t look real at all in 3 colors. I can see why young males would purchase games like this however even with a “real game” involved I can’t see me even doing the trial.

    Now with that being said it was hard to read this review with that first picture up there. I was distracted. I may be old but I’m not dead!

    1. I think that first picture is also the first ‘checkpoint’ in the game, so that’s probably the most effective ‘marketing material’ you can put out for your product, if you’re trying to attract a certain demographic. Honestly, I thought the platforming bit was good for the first half of the game. If Team Shuriken continues on that path, the next game could be decent.

      My PCs have always been behind on the times (my current is ridiculously underpowered), but thankfully my monitor is rather sleek. I never had to start in with the RGB. That would be painful! 😉

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