REVIEW: Mount Your Friends

It’s hard to put an appendage on what’s likely to offend the most in Stegersaurus Games’ Mount Your Friends (80 MSP). The title is a decent candidate to start with, clearly going for yuks based on the literal interpretation (you really are climbing your friends throughout the game) and the implied, immature angle; this is coming from the developer of the infamous (and best-selling, nonetheless) Baby Maker Extreme series.

It could be fact that the entire game is based around nearly-naked men throwing themselves on top of each other in various, impossible contortions, grunting while they stretch for that extra inch of height, a human pyramid scheme built on the basest form of humor. It tries to classify (minus the class) this under ‘sport’, but you can imagine how serious that’s likely to be taken.

The front-runner for me, though, has to be all the never-ending swinging dicks in multi-colored thongs on display. Like, everywhere, all the time. Even when they’re standing perfectly still. There’s no reason or practical application for the generous helping of cock, so it’s yet another facet to the game that’s constructed for laughs and doesn’t garner any (if you’re over the age of twelve).

Which leads to the gameplay, the least offensive component, thankfully, but incredibly basic. Using the four face buttons of the controller to manipulate the arms and legs of each… participant / athlete, you’ll crawl and fling your way up the pile like human spider monkeys, all on the back of the most unfortunate goat in goat history. And no, I’m not embellishing or making any of this up.

While the focus across the entire game is on gaining the most amount of height in the least amount of time, the mechanics of doing so do not change from one mode to the next. From challenges to tournaments to online matches (?), you’re only ever doing the same thing over and over again, occasionally under the constraints of time or your own ability to stack nude men in the most efficient way possible. The novelty of such an idea, if that idea could be considered a novelty, wears off pretty quick.

Mount Your Friends - Screen

Yes, it’s raining men.

The entire ‘package’ (haha, snicker, snicker) is ridiculously over-the-top and so devoid of entertainment that even when you know the developer is trying hard to be amusing or edgy, you can’t manage a sympathy chuckle. Some games are unintentionally bad, others, intentionally. It’s a rare feat when you find one that does both expertly, and it’s a perfect storm of terrible when you add up all its other offenses. The sum is less than zero. Mount Your Friends wants to be objectionable, is objectionable, and can’t even redeem itself with the simplified gameplay it has on tap. XBLIG as a brand isn’t dead yet, though on days like this, I wish it was.


Review on Indie Gamer Chick

10 thoughts on “REVIEW: Mount Your Friends”

  1. Truth is this could have easily been done with monkeys and been a fun game but no they had to go for a homo-esque dick swinging physics bullshit that I cant believe even passed review. Everyone can have their own sexual preference …just don’t be swingin it in my face. nuff said. Go buy Blood & Bacon.

    1. Agreed. The swinging dicks make it edgy, and that’s what it hinges on. The gameplay isn’t bad, just basic. No matter how the characters are skinned / drawn, you can’t hide that. It might get more mileage for some, but it needed more tactics / gameplay to be anything remotely interesting.

      Oddly enough, the game had a sudden explosion in popularity this morning. Almost 200 search queries since midnight for this game alone. Not sure what’s fueling it, though the attention would definitely be better were it focused on Blood & Bacon.

    1. If I was a funnier man, I could have had no less than a dozen dick jokes sprinkled in. Game like this doesn’t come along every day, and I cocked it all up.

      And, just out of professional curiosity, exactly how many dicks does Link have? Your comment indicated plurality.

    2. Well, Link’s dick is actually a constantly shifting Eldritch Abomination, and the mere act of observing Link’s dick actually changes how many he has. Near as we can gather from eyewitness testimony, Link has anywhere from 12 to 98 dicks.
      (I have put way too much thought in to this.)

    3. I thank you for the research. I just wanted to know what I was up against. It actually explains a lot, things that image-conscious Nintendo never told us. A fluctuating dick count is usually the sign of a legitimate badass. No wonder the dude carries the ‘Master Sword’ and beats the shit out of Ganon so much.

  2. Maybe a better name would have been Body Language

    This video was banned from MTV

    I really enjoy reading your take on unpleasant games and verifying my original thoughts and the reason I passed on it in the first place. Although I must say, after watching the video, that the 2D physics of the game (besides the unnecessary constant swinging of the giant dicks) looks interesting. They could have done something better with it then this though I would think.

    1. Ah, back when MTV’s name actually made sense, when they actually played -music videos- and they could actually ban a -music video- because they -played music videos-. I suppose it’s a win for a progressive society, saying that this video would probably get a PG rating by today’s standards, and they’d play it during Saturday morning cartoons 🙂

      I do think for maximum ‘take a second look’ effect, ‘Mount Your Friends’ is probably as solid a title you could pick without veering into total offensiveness. It’s basic, but the gameplay isn’t terrible. A few more options or ideas, and you could make it last. It has that ‘almost’ addictive quality to it. The quantity of dicks isn’t necessary, though. It serves no purpose in-game, and just makes the whole of XBLIG look that much more childish and unnecessary to outside eyes.

      And thank you. 🙂 Playing these games may feel like a chore, but they’re incredibly easy to write up. Much easier than writing reviews for good games, strangely.

  3. Clearly this game is a mature socio-political response to the prevalence of boob jiggle physics in the Dead Or Alive games 😉

    1. Clearly. 🙂

      I wanted to add the ‘Dead or Alive’ argument into the review, but it would’ve detracted too much from the actual review. The one thing I’ll say is that at least for Dead or Alive, the eye candy stuff is there to (hopefully) sell the fighting game. Yes, disregard the whole DoA Volleyball / sunbathing simulator thing, and the fact that the most recent DoA fighting game had about a million ‘sexy costume packs’ as DLC. Tecmo / Team Ninja knows what it’s marketing, sure, but I hope that people are buying ‘mainly’ for the fighting game.

      Then again, I bought Rumble Roses on the PS2 years ago, so I could be called a hypocrite. 🙂

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