Although it might seem that way at first glance, with mentions of a futuristic New France, space Musketeers, and the implication of bestiality (…yeah, read on), War Rapier 43210 (240 MSP) is a cohesive product, if your interpretation of ‘cohesive’ is more like two subpar minigames in one infinitely-overpriced package. It does come from the makers of Torque Quest, which should tell you all you need to know.
Hmm, two choices, neither of which will be intelligible.
The first part of the game, a graphic ‘adventure’-style point-and-click concept, stars Lieutenant Uceda, a man that hates everything and everyone to the point of mania, and is convinced of his own superiority. Very lovable and relatable chap. To stop an invasion force of Vetustians (the bad guys), he has fifteen minutes to solve the various personal problems of the men in his unit, in order to make them better soldiers and save the world. It’s all trial and error, however, hidden behind an obscure wall of flat humor and very unintuitive puzzle logic. I need to give a doll to one man, beg a first aid kit for drugs, etc., without much rhyme or reason to be found in the environment or its characters.
Strangely, everything in the game world is, in some manner or another, related to sex. It’s one of those great universal truths regarding humanity or some such thing, and War Rapier embraces that idea with a handful of tactful (this is sarcasm) conversations regarding condoms, sex with animals (dead or alive is not specified), promiscuous wives, homoerotic acts, enemas, and the inappropriate touching of a ball of yarn, meaning yes, sexually (what would that be called, yarn-iality?).
All of these profound statements are steeped in a warm vat of profanity that seems in place only to placate a younger crowd that enjoys flaunting and freewheeling their expletive-laced vocabulary. I’m not a prude with swears by any means, but I use them chiefly as adjectives (What car? That fucking car.) and adverbs (How did I run? I fucking ran.), never for the sake of littering sentences or to propagate a conversation beyond its natural conclusion. To do so is just fucking childish.
The second ‘minigame within a game’ is an action / RPG, though calling it such is only to streamline the description, not to say that either genre is represented in a meaningful form. In it, you can swing a sword or fire your gun based on how many skill points you have. You fight enemies in ‘horde’ form, their numbers and strength increasing as the waves go on. Alone, you won’t stand a chance. The goal is to ‘fix’ the men in your squad enough that they’ll shoulder more of the burden, using their increased power and skills learned in the first half of the game, via your help. Curiously, I seemed to do about the same (wave four) whether I played psychoanalyst with my squadmates or not.
Getting there, though, isn’t worth the time or effort, thanks to the terrible everything that precedes it. The best that you can say about War Rapier is that it does get its crayon, and it does have seven different endings (shooting yourself in the face is one of them, fittingly), though most of you will never see one, let alone all, of what the game has to offer. This is a good thing.
Add up the juvenile ‘humor’, the asinine dialogue and design, and what you’re left with is the realization that War Rapier 43210 is an abhorrent, ridiculous excuse for a game. Really, the trial will establish this fact early on. I’m not sure what prompts me to throw away three dollars to fund somebody’s poor in-joke of a project (…some days, I hate myself), despite numerous warning signs and my own good taste, other than to warn you off of it completely. I’ll let my limited French do the talking here— Merde.