REVIEW: Tokyo Hosto

Somewhere right now, developer Baller Industries is laughing (in a terrible accent, no doubt) and rubbing their hands together in a maniacal, certainly diabolical way. And I am legitimately afraid of this image in my head. Afraid because I’ve just read a post outlining their plans to bring their latest text adventure, Tokyo Hosto (80 MSP), to PS Vita and other platforms. Mon Dieu! God save the PS Vita from this travesty.

Tokyo Hosto - Screen

Not that previous knowledge or familiarity is required, but full disclosure: I have limited experience with their other games. Outside of sampling Let’s Get Fiscal (a side-scrolling beat-em’-up and probably their only ‘real’ game) and reading Alan’s hilarious truth-roasting of the ironically-titled Rock Bottom, I’m aware of their catalog, and have largely avoided it. For very good reason, it would seem.

Tokyo Hosto puts you in the shoes of a pretty boy in a Japanese Host Club, where you have a simple objective; lavish the female (and sometimes male) clients with attention and your fantastic hair, and, above all else, keep the overpriced drinks flowing. So basically, it’s a multiple choice quiz about insincerely wooing women, where choosing the wrong (and not always obvious) option is hardly lethal; it just means your ‘conversation skills’ need some work. If that’s not enough, be amazed by a mediocre plot revolving around your wholly-objectionable boss, the top host boy, and league of various women looking for company.

I’ll save you the suspense. It’s terribly-written muck, with passable art and animation but offensive dialogue and voice-acting to surround it. Honestly, if you have any curiosity regarding the Host / Hostess scene, or the culture in general, I’d recommend watching any one of a number of videos or documentaries on the subject instead of playing this game. At least videos can be skipped when you get bored. Guessing wrong here resets the current scene, at best making you retread the same inane dialogue boxes to get back to the fork in the (illogical) road where you glumly press on or just give up.

Tokyo Hosto - Screen2

Not that it much matters. Even with the two or three times you’ll guess incorrectly, Tokyo Hosto is over in about fifteen minutes, leaving anyone and everyone that suffered the misfortune of purchasing it dumbfounded and a little more broke. Yeah, that’s right. Baller Industries just ‘hosted’ me, and I didn’t even have a fake good time, nor can I lean on the excuse of being drunk. I willingly walked into this, completely sober. I really need to reevaluate what I’m doing with my life.

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17 responses to “REVIEW: Tokyo Hosto

    • Terrible in the sense that it’s like Toby Lau’s pseudo-Japanese accent. That may not be -you- specifically, but it’s certainly not good. I’m sorry I couldn’t give the game a ‘thumbs up’ verdict. I haven’t played most of your other releases, but if Tokyo Hosto is the ‘best of’, I’m not sure I’d like the others at all. Just an opinion.

      There is a market for these games, though, so I do wish you the best with it going forward. Maybe the next one I’ll like, who knows.

  1. Oh God, I almost was a voice in this game. Now I’m sure aborting the project was the right move. Honestly, I didn’t even think they’d pull it off in the end. Which, in a sense, they didn’t. Huh.

    • Eh, the wiser move. Agreed. Doing a voice for the game could be cool, but it definitely wouldn’t be a project you’d want to put on your résumé. :)

    • More of a convenient rhyme, methinks. I could be wrong (probably am), but I think the word is a loan word by itself, so it actually is said ‘Host-o’. ‘Post’ would similarly translate to ‘post-o’, but it’d be something else entirely if you wanted to say ‘post office’ in Japanese. Someone who speaks the language much better would have to confirm that, though, as I am but a learner and possibly a liar.

      If not, then who says my site doesn’t educate on occasion? :)

  2. I liked that game, also, car noises BRrrrr ZZZZrrrrrr GGGRRrrrr KKKHHHRRRKEEKEKE.

    • Hey, some people will find it entertaining. That was one of those weird moments though, where it’s like ‘Shit, I need to save this conversation! Oh, I know, just start making car revving noises!’ And it works, the girl loves you for it! Not likely to work in the real world, though. :)

  3. Another date sim, unlike Microsoft Points, Ppl got unlimited clicks on their fingers. Those 10 years old can find better things online, wayyyy cheaper. But that DO NOT ENTER scared me when I was that age, maybe they feel the same way. I need help btw, I bought 2 Street Fighter games yesterday, they stay at 0 percent download. I tried with a indie demo and it worked fine. Are AAA companies punishing me for buying so much indies? My guess is I already lost those 12 dollars. And yes, I cancelled and downloaded again, disconnected the xbox, deleted the cache and nothing. Any help will be apreciated, thx.

    • You could be being punished. You don’t buy AAA / Arcade games at full price, you’re an enemy of the industry, you know that.

      Unfortunately, though, I don’t have any advice on how to fix it. Deleting the cache has always worked for me. You didn’t lose your money (at least I don’t think you did), as it should say ‘Download Again’ when you go back to those games on the marketplace. If it still doesn’t work after clearing the cache once again, maybe Microsoft has some better Troubleshooting on their site. That’s a new one to me.

    • I’ve had someone tell me he had this problem with uncraft me, but it ended up working for him. the xbox lists seem to work kinda badly right now so it might be something on microsoft side of things.

    • You are right, Im just a young soul being corrupted and manipulated by those evil indie reviewers that make you do things using their pretty little words like “BUY IT!!!! You will thank me later.”

      I see, that give me some hope. I went to a Troubleshooting site and read that someone was having the same problem, they told him to do what I already did with no success. But thx both of you, I will just be patience and wait for the breast er…. best.

    • On the plus side, you can still download / play indie games. Maybe it’s not that you’re being punished, but rewarded. Look at it as the universe sending you a sign— Play more XBLIGs. :p

  4. And this will sell like hotcakes. That kinda saddens saansilt. Good games get ignored because of things like these. Also creates a bad stereotype for xblig games.

    • Agreed on the XBLIG stereotype, though the service stresses freedom, so that’s a part of the deal. However, I don’t know if it will sell as much as some think. Not a very high boob count. So Saansilt shouldn’t be sad. Chin up, sir, there’s still plenty of good stuff coming.

  5. 12 yo boys must be on pins and needles waiting for this release on the PS Vita so they can play it by themselves in the privacy of their rooms. One word came to mind when I say the title (MEH) then another word came to mind after I read your review (Mierda)

    • They don’t need to wait. I mean, not that playing it would’ve been any easier / better, but there’s really no considerable breast-iness to it. Outside of the over-the-top characters and dialogue running from cheesy to insensitive, it plays it rather serious. No real ‘boobs for boobs sake’, which is, strange.

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